trouble with my computer

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric,
the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control
and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T


I used to like Eric.............

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following
a day roaming around in Mexico .

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles
from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor.
There is only one serving per day because there
is only one bull fight each morning.
If you come early and place your order,
we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order,
and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter
and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller
than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
"Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Drunk men at 3AM

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the
door where a drunken stranger, standing in the
pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband,
"it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and
it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when
we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed,
and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

Canada Pension

Having reached the age of 60,
I went to apply for Canada Pension last week

After waiting in line for a very long time,
I finally got to the counter.

The clerk requested the necessary papers to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay
that I had left my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom.
I told the Lady that I was sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at home.
'I'll have to go get it and come back later', I said.
At that point, she said to me, 'Unbutton your shirt.
Although confused, I opened my shirt,
revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me
and with that, she promptly processed my application.
When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience
at the Canada Pension Office.
She listened to the whole story and then said.....
You should have dropped your pants;
you might have gotten disability, too.

New Drug Name

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and
Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts,
it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix,
and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form,
and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the
names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:MOUNT & DO .

Thought for the day:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on
Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs
and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,
Please send me a baby brother.


Santa wrote back:

' Send me your mother...'

Various Sing

Over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

On a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber!"

On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts!"

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right =
place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company:
"We would be *delighted* if you send in your payment.
(However, if you don't, *you* will *be*.")

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."

At a Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

anniversary!!!!

A neighbor, Sam, was in trouble again; this time for forgetting his
wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to
find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6
seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!! "

The next morning Sam got up and left the house very early.

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and, sure enough, there
was a gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, went out to the driveway, and
brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new
bathroom scale.

Sam has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

BUSTED!!!

Bob says to his wife Judy, "Guess what I heard at the pub
today? They were saying the milkman is having sex with every woman
in our apartment building except one, but they are not sure who that
one is."

Right away Judy jumps up and says, "I know who that is! I bet it's
that stuck-up Phyllis, in apartment 612."

the birds and the bees

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears.
"Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid,
I'll have nothing left to live for."

NO TOILET PAPER

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bath- room. She said
yes. When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet paper so, he used
his hand. When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have
in your hand?" The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand
he'll get scared away." He was then sent to the Principal's office and the
principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?" The little boy said,
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." The
principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!" He did and the little
boy said, "Oh great , now look what you did, you scared the shit out of him.

Where would you be if...

WHERE WOULD YOU BE:

IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?
IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?
IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU?*
IF - YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN?**
IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?
IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU, WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?
SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?*


HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!* *

YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG FUCKING HOUSE!***

Rules of Life

Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are:

You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it
should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

Be really good to your family and friends. You never know
when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
thus reducing the pressure in your arteries..

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget
about the tooth ache.

Thought for the Day:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES .....
THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING ...
BUT THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS

FFFFUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: 'Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?' The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.' The old woman then asks: 'Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries? The clerk responds, 'Yes we do.' She asks: ' Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssuno ooffabb itch offffff?'

The Romantic Husband

Husband and wife in bed together.

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.

She: "Oh, that feels good."

His hand moves to her breast.

She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."

His hand moves to her leg.

She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."

But he stops.

She: "Why did you stop?"

He: "I found the remote."

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
Its Called .......
therapy

blonde joke

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.



They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.



An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't ge t it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"



The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

Guts or Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you
really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep
you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping
your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both
ultimately result in death.

Grandmas Don't Know Everything

Robbie was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing
outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and
asked her, "Grandma, what's it called when two people are sleeping in the
same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth."It's
called sexual intercourse, darling."
Robbie just said, "Oh, OK!" and went back outside to talk and play with the
other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it's not
called sexual intercourse! It's called "bunk beds " and Jimmy's mom wants
to talk to you."

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN......

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered,half
wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open
to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India - very hot, relaxed and
convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France -gently aging but still
a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain - with a glorious
and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war
and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - self-preserving but
open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious
past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous
spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF MEN...

Between 18 and 80, a man is like Iran. Ruled by a prick!

The Whys of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T MEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know....it never happened)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

True Friendship

"True Friendship" (With none of that Sissy Crap!!!!) Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our friendship.

1 When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask ?, "Because you are my friend".
Send this to "all 10" of your friends, then get depressed because you can only think of four!!! (don't send it back to me...I don't want to hear it!!!)

And remember....when life hands you Lemons, get some tequila and salt and call me.

Getting old.....

GAMES TO PLAY AFTER THE AGE OF 62
1. Sag, you're it.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them .
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

medical story...lol

Story from Houston Medical Center Recent story in the local paper:
A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his pecker.
According to the Nurse attending, the patient's mistress found the ring in his
pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the
ring on his pecker while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your mistress find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your pecker.
3) Or finding out your pecker fits through your wedding ring.

Blonde times 5

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt blonds. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Politics in laymens terms

LIBERAL
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Bono sings for you.

CONSERVATIVE
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. So?

NEW DEMOCRAT
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbour. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM HARPER STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY DION STYLE
You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

ONTARIO CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

QUEBEC CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BI-LINGUAL CORPORATION
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's English. The English cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the English cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

Dictionary

WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH


1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR

Charlotte, North Carolina. USA


A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them
gainst, among other things,fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

First time sex.....

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday
night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since
this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and
make love for the first time .

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to
get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first
time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the
boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack,
or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack
because he thinks he will be rather busy, it b eing his
first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house
and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited
for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner
table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy
quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no
movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist."

meeting the future in-laws for the 1st time...

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.

The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

Do you have.....?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina'.
She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man
and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'.
She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has
happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving
and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just
in case this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to
hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to
answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.

Do you have vagina'.......
'Yes' she says......

The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave
my wife's alone and start using yours ?'

THE VOODOO PENIS

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he
thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to
a sex shop & explained his situation.

The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that
will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Voodoo Penis!"

The husband said "The what"? The man repeated " The Voodoo Penis" and
pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed,
and said, "It looks lik e a dildo!"

The man then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, door!"
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started
pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so
much that a crack began to form down the middle.

Then the man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" and the penis
stopped & returned to the box.
The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the
husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis. She
undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch". The
penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind
shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had
enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had
neglected to tell h er how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on,
got in her car and started for the hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve over
the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't had anything to
drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch
and it won't stop screwing me..."

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied,

"Yeah right...Voodoo Penis, my ass...!"

The rest, as they say, is history...

One Woman's Search for True Love

One Woman's Search for True Love

When I was 16, I hoped that one day I
would have a boyfriend...

When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I
decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, he cried all the time and threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with
him. He always got mad, he did impetuous things and flirted with
everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was very
energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some
ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious guy with his feet planted
firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he
divorced me, took everything I owned, and
ran off with my best friend.

I am now 41, and I'm just looking for a guy with a big dick.

Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It is considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
4. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

***DINING OUT ***
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days, however, if you live alone, deodorant is just a waste of money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

***DATING (Outside the Family) ***
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

***WEDDINGS ***
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

**DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

Married life

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although
very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his
old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have a Beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
Refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
Different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know... They
have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug
out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be
Long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out
5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
Mushroom caps, and little quiches

"But my sweet honey... At the bar.... You know there's swearing, dirty
Words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS
DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS
D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS
OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

And...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story? --

50 Mistakes women make when having sex

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault.

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

8. Using random magazines as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

20. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.

22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.

23. Undressing in the dark. If youre shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

24. Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men should have to do all the work.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

27. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when hes touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

29. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.

30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really matters.

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.

43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little...fishy...perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash.

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and rolling over are not ok.

50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

That is all.

BBQ Rules.

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important
to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking
activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably
because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are
put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man
who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with
the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
sauces, and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(10) Everyone PRAISES and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing
some women....

To increase your vocabulary with phrases you've heard but aren't quite sure how to use, read on...

"Cold turkey"

Definition: Refers to the physical state addicts are in when withdrawing from drug addition, especially heroin. Their blood is directed to the internal organs, leaving their skin white and goose bumpy like a Thanksgiving bird ready to go in the oven. Mmmmm, junkie turkey.

Origin: The first usage of this phrase is unknown, but it has as many applications as there are things to be addicted to.

Use it in a sentence: After coming down with a strange illness that turned his eye-whites blue, Ozzy had to go cold turkey from biting the heads off live bats or any other animals.

"Going Dutch"

Definition: To evenly split the cost of a group expense, like a meal.

Origin: The origin of the phrase is unknown, but there is one explanation. In the 17th century, the Dutch were hated commercial rivals of the British, and have been a verbal target for them since. Anyone who "went Dutch" may have been considered a tightwad. Not surprisingly, the Dutch don't seem to love this phrase.

Use it in a sentence: The last girl I went out with called me a superior patriarchal misogynist who didn't respect her independence just because I offered to pick up the tab. So last night I decided I'd play it safe and suggested to my date that we go Dutch. She called me a cheap bastard!

"Shit hits the fan"

Definition: Refers to the commotion that can occur when a situation that was previously secret is publicly revealed. Graphically illustrates the distinction between fecal matter, which is not in itself such a problem, and fecal matter piling up to the ceiling fan and then being sprayed everywhere, which pretty much sucks.

Origin: Depression-era America, when apparently excrement abounded.

Use it in a sentence: "I'm telling you, Bob, if we don't figure out how to get your dad's pogo stick out of this tree, the shit's really gonna hit the fan. I mean, how's he supposed to get to work?"

"Put a sock in it"

Definition: A terse request to be quiet.

Origin: Since early gramophones had no volume control knobs, playing them at anything less than 11 ("my amp goes up to 11") required putting a sock in the amplification trumpet.

Use it in a sentence:
Girl: "Why are you hesitating? You don't like it, do you? You think it makes me look fat, right? Oh, I knew this would happen. I should never have gotten an orange leather..."
Guy: "Ah, put a sock in it."

"Son of a gun"

Definition:
a) As an interjection, it means "gee whiz" or "well I'll be damned."
b) As a name to call someone, it's a euphemism for a phrase that's already pretty tame: son of a bitch.

Origin: According to the Phrase Finder (www.phrases.shu.ac.uk), the expression originated on sailing ships, where some women would have sex with sailors between the cannons. The male progeny of such a dangerous liaison would then be called a son of a gun. Nice pedigree.

Use it in a sentence:
a) "Son of a gun, who stole my toupee?"
b) "Bob, you old son of a gun. How's the prostate?"

"For all intents and purposes"

Definition: First of all, it ain't "for all intensive purposes." Think about it for a minute. What the hell could that possibly mean? For all uses that are short but really demanding? Like, oh, I don't know, midget arm-wrestling? No, "for all intents and purposes" means "realistically speaking; practically; in almost every way."

Origin: Although its origin is unknown, the phrase used to be "to all intents and purposes," which is still sometimes heard.

Use it in a sentence: Bob tried so hard to please Patty that he had long ago passed the "whipped" phase and was now, for all intents and purposes, her love slave.

"Big cheese"

Definition: The most important person; the boss.

Origin: The Urdu word for thing is chiz. The British likened its sound to the word "cheese" and, as cheese is so vital to the Brits that their pound currency was actually pegged to the price of medium cheddar for almost two centuries, they modified its meaning to "the main/best thing." The phrase crossed the Atlantic as "the big cheese" in about 1890.

Use it in a sentence: The way he acted, you could tell Bob thought he was the big cheese of the joint. But really, with his faux chains, hedge-like chest hair and shiny zebra-striped shirt, he was just cheesy.

"Peeping Tom"

Definition: A peeping Tom is a voyeur.

Origin: It stems from an 11th century English legend in which Tom the tailor unlawfully peeps at Lady Godiva as she rides on horseback naked through Coventry. As a result, he was struck blind. Doh!

Use it in a sentence: To mess with the minds of any would-be peeping Toms in the high rise across the street, every night Bob undressed in front of his window with all the lights on, then looked out into the night and gave a big wave before retiring.

"Beat around the bush"

Definition: This old phrase means, well, you know, sort of to, like, stall and stuff, or lie even, instead of, um -- hey look, that dog has a poofy tail! Sorry, it means not to get to the point or the truth.

Origin: It comes from hunting, where hunters would carefully beat around bushes hoping to drive out their prey instead of just going in after it.

Use it in a sentence:
Man #1: "Stop beating around the bush and ask the question already!"
Man #2: "Okay, fine. Can I borrow your girlfriend for, like, an hour?"

The Obedient Wife

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money,
and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take
all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to
the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he
died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting
there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When
they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close
the casket, the wife said,

"Wait just a moment!"


She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it
in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled
it away. So her friend said,

"Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with
your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my
word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket
with him."

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"


"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it."

The secret of number 11

The Secret behind the number 11

Pretty Chilling - read to the bottom. Try it out.
If you are a sceptical person - still read on as it's actually very interesting!!
This is actually really freaky!! (Mainly the end part, but read it all first)

1) New York City has 11 letters
2) Afghanistan has 11 letters.
3) Ramsin Yuseb has 11 letters.
(The terrorist who threatened to destroy the Twin Towers in 1993)

4) George W Bush has 11 letters.

This could be a mere coincidence, but this gets interesting:
1) New York is the 11th state.
2) The first plane crashing against the Twin Towers was flight number 11.
3) Flight 11 was carrying 92 passengers. 9 + 2 = 11
4) Flight 77 which also hit Twin Towers, was carrying 65 passengers. 6 +5 = 11
5) The tragedy was on September 11, or 9/11 as it is now known. 9 + 1+1 =11
6) The date is equal to the US emergency services telephone number 911.

Sheer coincidence..?

Read on and make up your own mind:

1) The total number of victims inside all the hi-jacked planes was 254.2 + 5 + 4 = 11
2) September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year.
3) The Madrid bombing took place on 3/11/2004. 3 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 4 =11.
4) The tragedy of Madrid happened 911 days after the Twin Towers incident.

Now this is where things get totally eerie:

The most recognized symbol for the US, after the Stars & Stripes, is the
Eagle. The following verse is taken from the Koran, the Islamic holy book:

"For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle.
The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah while
some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced: for the
wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah and there was peace."

That verse is number 9.11 of the Koran.